Perfect Parenting

I have had a few parenting discussions with some friends of mine. Although it is a bit off-topic, I would like to share some things from those discussions with you.

I have two boys, now 15 and 17. They both have Asperger's Disorder, which is a form of autism that does not affect their speech or academic abilities. In other words they look and sound like “normal” kids, but respond to things in very different ways. As children there were many many meltdowns (similar to temper tantrums but based on an inability to do something rather than as a strategy to get their way).

I certainly have not done a perfect job of parenting, but the challenges I faced in raising my boys has taught me so much. The first piece of advice is:

CATCH YOUR CHILD DOING SOMETHING RIGHT!

So often as parents we come across very critical. It is so easy to notice the C on the report card, rather than noticing the three Bs. It is so easy to tell them what they are not doing right, instead of finding things to praise them for. I am not talking about empty praise. Praise your child when he makes and effort to improve. Praise your child when he does his best. Praise your child when he does something that he hates with a good attitude. I'm not going to say anything more here, because there are numerous resources that look at positive parenting.

Here is my second piece of advice:

DON'T BE THE PERFECT PARENT!

I know you are probably scratching your head and saying this woman's totally lost it. This advice has come from years of dealing with numerous challenges in my parenting. My boys have their issues, but I also throw clinical depression and chronic fatigue into the mix. All three of us are also sinners. I have learned that the best parenting models what it looks like to be a sinner who loves God with all his/her heart.

A huge part of my depression centres on the fact that I can never measure up. I am not good enough to meet God's standard of perfection. I did not want to pass this warped thinking on to my boys. Several years ago I stopped trying to be perfect in front of them. Instead I confessed when I did something wrong.

I appologized. I told them that God didn't like it when I yelled at them, but God is the only one who can help me overcome my anger and frustration. “God forgives me, will you forgive me?” I taught them that God is the one who can change our characters. God doesn't like our sin, but He loves us more than we can ever comprehend.

Then I took it a step farther. When one of the boys was in a meltdown, I would start praying very loudly “God take away the anger in this house! Take away the frustration! Fill each of us with forgiveness and peace!” I prayed during the challenges, and there were times when the meltdown stopped in seconds. There were other times when we were talking to God for over an hour.

We pray out loud about all sorts of things – lost homework or keys, late transportation, schedule changes, not understanding homework, don't let the rain ruin my school project, etc. We also thank God out loud when He answers those prayers.

My boys are solid in their faith. They pray when they are facing anxiety or stress. They appologize when they do something wrong. Are they perfect? No, but they know what to do with those imperfections.