Honest Prayer

I am still facing brain fog and exhaustion from being sick on the weekend.  I tried to write a new post, but it wasn't making sense.  I came across this prayer I wrote about this time last year.  I thought I would share it with you, as prayer -- honest conversation with our Heavenly Father -- is such a huge part of our relationship with Him.  I have mentioned before that I deal with clinical depression.  In the fall of 2010 I had an emotional breakdown, and I refer to it in this prayer.  The prayer askes God to bring me back to a place of intimacy with Him.  That prayer was answered in amazing ways just a few moths later, as God gave me this commission to share a message about commitment.  God is awesome.  He loves me and He loves You, too! Strive to have deep, real conversation with the God who loves you so much that He died for you!

March 23, 2011

Father,

I don't know why it is,but I connect with you better on paper or on the computer. Is that OK? I guess I need to do what works. I'm sorry I haven't made the effort to do what works recently. God, I want to live for you! I don't want to be controlled by food or coffee! I don't want to waste my days in distraction and clutter – physical and mental clutter! I want clarity and clutter-free living! Let me focus on praising You! You gave me life and didn't stop there. You died to give that life meaning and to give me eternal life! You want to be with me. You WANT to be with me! You don't just love me, you like me, too! Oh Lord, you created such a beautiful world! You created mountains and blue sky, flowers of every colour imaginable, animals of every shape and size. The creatures in the ocean are so spectacular! The complexity of a single cell is mind boggling – the complexity of a living human is beyond description. How could that complexity ever have occurred by millions or billions of random mutations. It doesn't make sense, yet people are taught that as fact – just to get You out of schools and science. But You are the one that created everything that science tries to explain. Scientists are rewarded for discovering how something in this world or in the universe works – yet You are the one who thought up the idea and spoke it into existence!

Father, this world bothers me. I do feel like a pilgrim out of place. Help me to love the people around me enough to do whatever it takes to share You with them. I feel like I have blown it so many times. I guess I still have the wrong concept of sharing You with others. I so want to share the victory you have brought to my life, but in the absence of victory, how do I share You. My depression in the fall totally ruined my witness to my family. I don't know how to share You. Probably because I haven't been walking closely enough with You to have anything to share. Please forgive me! Please help me to change! I want to make a difference in this world. I want to be a disciple. I want to make disciples. Restore to me the joy of my salvation! Restore to me the joy of Your presence! Let me know that You are near me. Draw me ever closer to You! Help me to put aside the distractions that have ruled my life so that I can focus on pleasing You. Not pleasing You for salvation, but pleasing You out of gratitude. And to be honest, when I am living a life pleasing to You – I feel so much better about myself and my life. I want to be in that place again.

With love from your daughter,

Cindy