By the time I was 18, I had decided that all Christians were hypocrites. Their lives were often morally worse than mine, and it would all be “forgiven” when they went to church on the weekend. We had religious groups condemn my family for various things including playing cards, drinking coffee or wine, and allowing the girls to wear pants. I saw no power in their lives, and realized their families were just as messed up as my own, If their god did exist, I didn’t want anything to do with him.
In my first year of university I actively persecuted Christians. I told them the Bible was written hundreds of years after the events it claimed to describe and that the miracles had no more truth to them than Roman or Greek mythology. Of course, I had never read the Bible. I had only read the lives of people who claimed to follow the Bible. Their lives did not inspire me in any way to want to read the Bible – instead I wanted nothing to do with the Bible, the God it talked about, nor those who claimed to live by it.
Just before my 19th birthday I started a summer job working at a photo lab. God introduced me to one of His followers who was not a hypocrite. In a story too long to share in this post, my boss showed me love and humility that I had never seen in anyone, ever. After a particularly difficult incident at work which my boss handled with incredible calm, she came the next day and apologized to me and the other staff. I couldn’t understand the apology, as I thought she handled things well. Her response got my attention. She said that she was trying to imitate Jesus and He wouldn’t have had the attitude she had that day.
After that, I started going to a small Bible study group. I have been going ever since.
I brought my hatred of hypocrisy into my Christian life. I wanted to make sure there wasn’t a hint of hypocrisy in my own life. For many years I thought I had to be perfect to influence anyone for God. I knew that I had been so turned off by people not living what they claimed to believe
I thought my great marriage would show people God’s power. My marriage ended 8 years ago. I thought my well-behaved kids would express the power in my life because of my relationship with God. I have two boys on the autism spectrum. Good behaviour was rare for many many years. I thought I had to have everything working in my life in order to show that I wasn’t a hypocrite. God had to really break me – to bring me to a point of absolute brokenness – a place where I realized I could not measure up, ever. I could never live the perfect Christian life. I could never be the perfect Christian. I couldn’t even get close.
I had missed the lesson of my own conversion. It wasn’t my boss’ perfection that got my interest. She showed that she wasn’t a hypocrite by her humility – not her perfection. I am finally free of that perfectionism. I know I can’t be perfect, but I also know I don’t have to be. Instead I have to be real., open, honest. I need to admit that I don’t measure up. That is not to say I just let sin rule in my life – No Way! I do my best to live a life that brings glory to God. By His power and grace I have changed a lot in 27 years, but I am still very broken. I still need a Saviour.
That Saviour has not made me perfect, rather He has set me free.
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