Depression

It is becoming clear that I keep taking on more than I can handle.  It has been another very busy week that has left me exhausted.  Once again, this blog has suffered.  Please pray that God will help me to prioritize my commitments according to His will -- and that I will listen and obey!

Right now, I am preparing to share a message on depression at a Ladies' Breakfast this coming Saturday.  Since I don't have a blog post ready, I am sharing some of the introduction to my message.

 Depression

Why am I talking on such a difficult subject this morning?

There is a deep shame associated with depression – and that shame is magnified in the church.

I have dealt with depression for 35 years – over 25 years of that battle has been as a Christian.

I have always been open about my depression. As a result, I have been told many horrible things by Christians – some well-meaning, others simply self-righteous and judgemental. I have also talked with many Christians who are terrified that anyone will find out that they are taking antidepressants. A pastor friend of mine was told by one of his superiors never to talk about depression from the pulpit.

I am discussing this topic this morning because it is past time for this veil of shame to be removed! People dealing with depression and other mental health issues need compassion and healing instead of shame and abuse! I don't want others to go through the pain I have been through – pain magnified because those from whom I sought help did not understand depression and suicide.

2 years ago I was in a place closer to suicide than ever before as a Christian. All hope was gone. The people in my life who I had hoped would help me, thought I needed a strong hand. I didn't. My life circumstances were extremely difficult, and I didn't know how to cope. 

 I was a single mom with two boys on the autism spectrum. The oldest (about 16) was constantly being sent home from school as he was too aggressive to be there. Meltdowns – similar to temper tantrums --were common over very little things. One child's meltdown would trigger a meltdown in the other. These meltdowns would often last 45 minutes. They were filled with verbal and sometimes physical aggression, tears, cowering in fear, and the worst had Caleb responding to imaginary voices. 

My brother moved in with us, and for many reasons this escalated the stress and the meltdowns at that time. I also face health issues which include chronic fatigue. I was trying to get help with the home situation, and was given advice from people who had no clue what my life was really like. 

Please don't give life-circumstance advice if you really haven't seen or experienced what that person is going through. Advice that works in many, or even most situations, doesn't work in every situation. My extreme hopelessness was intensified by advice that I could not follow-through on. 

I was belittled and accused of making excuses, when the reality was that my stress-load was so high, and had been for way too long. Something “simple” to this person was truly impossible for me at that point in my life. At this point, my son also became suicidal and I was accused of giving him that idea. I tried very hard to hide my depression and my suicidal thoughts from my children. Since this person thought my depression was attention-seeking behaviour, he thought my son was imitating this attention-seeking. So, when I asked for help because my son was suicidal and his brother was frantic over the situation, I was told to go to a parenting workshop.

This person was well-meaning. Probably very frustrated with me. However, the “help” dramatically increased my hopelessness.

I had to take some time away from the kids and work on some strategies while the stress-load was removed. However, things didn't really improve until my oldest moved in with his dad and the stress-load decreased for the entire family.

I want to talk about several myths that surround depression. I want to share truths from the Scriptures, and I want to share some tools to help deal with depression – both as someone dealing personally with depression and for those with a loved one dealing with depression.First, I want to try to give you a glimpse into the mind of someone dealing with depression.

Waking up depressed is excruciatingly painful. The living darkness surrounds me, oppresses me, consumes me, filling me with negativity and despair. The darkness devours all hope, all dreams, all sense of worth. My eyes and ears are covered with scales that filter everything coming in, allowing only darkness to enter. No light can get to my mind, my emotions, my faith. 

Well rehearsed tapes of my failures and worthlessness play over and over. “You can't do anything right. You never will get it right. Your boys would be so much better off without you. No one would miss you if you were gone – in fact they would be happier if you and your depression were never heard from again. You think God will rescue you – well, we both know how disappointed He is with you. You have failed Him too many times already. You are worthless. You are a failure. You are ugly in body and soul and no one will ever love you. Your life causes more pain than good.” over and over and over with slight variations in content, but no variation in the overall message.

Anything someone says is twisted by this darkness. Professions of love or a desire to help are translated as pitiful attempts to get me to stop my depression because my depression is inconvenient for that person. Reminders of good in my life just can't get through the scales on my eyes and ears.

I want to share a couple of prayers that I wrote in times of depression – I have connected them together.

Dear Father, I look forward to a time when I will not start every prayer with a comment on how messed up I am! Right now I am finding it difficult to believe that I will ever see that time. I hate my depression and I hate myself for not stopping it. I hate my inability to change. The depressions are getting deeper and more frequent. How much of that is chemical imbalance and how much is my sin? Each depression pulls me further away from you. Each depression cancels work accomplished for you, and thus gets me more depressed! I have messed up so much that I find it difficult to pray. As my walk with you deteriorates, so do my relationships with Christians. I am so afraid that my depression will destroy my relationship with Wayne too. I hate the depression, yet it robs me of the ability to pray or read, it robs me of the power to overcome.

I am definitely still down. Instead of having a godly sorrow that leads to repentance, I am still hearing the demons telling me that I can’t change. That you hate disobedience and pride more than any other sin and that I’ve failed yet again. I am totally discouraged, aware that I am the problem in my own life. Back to the feelings I had as a suicidal teenager. I’m the one constant in every problem in my life. Right now I feel like there is too much to change. My faith is very weak and I don’t even know what hope is anymore. Absolutely everything is overwhelming – the dishes, the laundry, cooking, facing the boys when they come home from school.

Depression is far more than a pity-party.  It has a physical component -- a chemical imbalance -- just like diabetes or thyroid disease.  I'll post the rest of my message after I present it on Saturday.


If you live in the Ottawa area, I invite you to come to the breakfast at 9am Saturday, Nov.3.  It will be at Trinity Bible Church, 4101 Stagecoach Rd., Osgoode.  click here for more info.